“Next on the agenda is Principal Swenson for an update with the mascot problem. Ray?”
“Thanks. As some of you know, we got a cease-and-desist letter from Really Equal for All demanding that we change our sports logo. Apparently a few other districts got it, too. Frankly, they’re as confused as we are… Yeah, Justin?”
“Who else got it?”
“Warren-Nevis-Baxter-Alvarado and Langdon-Plummer-Garrison-Ada, for sure—the Spartans and Lumberjacks got nailed too, I guess. Might be more. We’ll talk about it at the region meeting, I’m sure. Tom?”
“Sorry, I was at the tournament durin’ the last meeting. Nailed for what?”
“Our mascots are too male. Some people think that’s discrimination toward the girls’ teams or something.”
“Wait a sec—says who now?”
“Really Equal for All—an outfit from the Cities, I guess. They haven’t answered my emails. I called once and left a message, too. Our lawyer says it’s real, though.”
“So, ‘Trojans’ is too male?”
“That’s what the letter says. And violent. Says there was some court case someplace out East that proves it. Yeah?”
“But… weren’t the Trojans… you know… men? Like, the soldiers, I mean?”
“That’s what Jim in Langdon said: lumberjacks are usually men, too, ‘course. They got it worse, though—they got that painting of that lumberjack right in the middle of the gym floor. Said it’d cost ’em thousands to get rid of it. Tom?”
“So we’d have to change our helmets? The shoulders of the jerseys?”
“Guess so. Coach Johnson says the basketball uniforms just have it on the shorts, though, so maybe we lucked out there. Hockey’s just got it on the breezers, too—the sweaters are fine, I guess. So we might be okay.”
“The scoreboard?”
“Shit—sorry—right… at the field. We could probably just cover that up. Tom?”
“What’d we use instead?”
“We’re thinking the letters logo that’s on the baseball caps. It’s kinda crazy with all three in there, but it’s the best we got. The kids could do another design contest, maybe. Justin?”
“Wait, now. Didn’t this come up at consolidation? Nobody thought of this ten years ago?”
“Guess not. I mean, who woulda? Tom?”
“You said ‘violent?’ Are we gonna hafta change the name totally? How much is ‘at gonna cost?”
“Dunno. The lawyer says not to get too worried ’bout it yet. Thing is, though, Jim in Langdon said they got the same thing—too violent. To trees, I guess. Like I said, I’m sure it’ll come up at the region meeting next week.”
“‘Kay. But seriously, who’s gonna pay for that? Not the taxpayers and farmers of these three communities, I’ll tell you that much. To hell they will.”
“Right, right. But the booster club’s strapped right now ‘cuz ‘a the new softball bats and helmets. If we can get it to stretch to next year, we can maybe start with the varsity stuff, anyway.”
“Surprised they didn’t nail us for being too white, too. Christ.”
“Dunno—were Trojans white? I thought Greeks were kinda darker. Or were they Roman?”
“Dunno. ‘Nother thing, if you’d’a asked me if ‘Trojans’ was offensive toward the girls, I’d’a thought it’d be ‘cuz ‘a the condom thing, right? I mean, if you’re…”
(Bangs gavel.) “Okay, gentlemen—okay. Thanks, Ray. Just let us know how the meeting goes.”
“Sure. I’ll keep ya posted.”
P. A. Jensen (@RuralityChecker) is editor of RuralityCheck.com.
He lives in Minnesota with his wife and son.
